Hands up if you enjoy bitching?
...but do you also feel a teeny bit guilty?
Gossiping can feel good in the moment, especially when someone else agrees with your judgements:
you get a sense of camaraderie and belonging when you join forces against someone else: 'we're on the same team'
you get the satisfaction of feeling smug and self-righteous, and a little bit superior: the moral high ground
you get to vent and release some of your frustration
But ultimately most of us don't really feel good about bitching. We know it's not a very nice way to talk about another person. And it also leads to cognitive bias: when other people agree with us, we feel more convinced that we're right, and become more entrenched in our viewpoints. We form static judgements about the type of person they are.
One of the things I became aware of while learning Nonviolent Communication was the inherent damage we can cause by believing our judgements:
we view the other person through this lens of our own judgements - which makes it very difficult for them to be seen and heard as they actually are: to be understood for their intentions, or their struggles
we convince ourselves that we're better than them - we're right, they're wrong
we fail to connect with their humanity
we focus on our differences, and lose track of our commonality
this creates and enhances divides and polarities...and ultimately is at the root of every battle and separation, from online arguments with strangers, to divorce, to war
I noticed recently that I was tempted to join in with bitching about a colleague. I had heard several people saying that this person expects too much from others, and that no one likes working with them. Several anecdotes corroborated these judgements. And I found myself agreeing with them. Everything they said 'felt true'. I'd experienced something similar myself in my own interactions.
To be honest, it was a real struggle for me not to join in! Then when I got home, I sat down with my journal to try to translate some of those judgements into feelings and needs. And I’m pleased that on this occasion, at least, I prioritised my need for integrity over some of the more immediate needs that might have been met by joining in the conversation.
If I really believe that NVC consciousness is what's needed to make the world a better place, then I want to be able to step up and do the work myself, even when I don't want to. Even when it feels easier and more satisfying to slip into more habitual ways of communicating. I want to commit to trying to move beyond judgemental thinking whenever I notice it showing up for me.