How to express your feelings without starting a fight
Have you ever tried to tell someone how you feel, only to watch the conversation spiral into an argument? You start out trying to share honestly about what’s going on for you, and before you know it, both of you are defensive, voices raised, or maybe even silent and resentful.
I know from experience how painful it can be when the very act of sharing what matters most seems to push away the people you care about!
Why expressing feelings often leads to conflict
One reason this happens is that we often mix our feelings with blame — without meaning to. We say things like this:
“I feel hurt because you never listen.”
“I feel angry because you don’t care.”
These kinds of sentences may start with “I feel,” but they quickly shift into pointing the finger. And when someone hears blame, it’s almost impossible for them to stay open. Their body hears a threat, and they go into defense mode.
Imagine someone saying those phrases to you. I know that if I heard my partner say ‘you never listen’ I’d most likely flare up inside! My inner voice would kick in: ‘all those times I’ve listened in the past….has he totally forgotten them?’ I’d feel desperate to ‘prove’ how many times I’ve listened and that his analysis of me wasn’t true!
And the tragic thing is that I wouldn’t hear the thing he most wanted to convey: ‘I feel hurt’.
What lies beneath the blame is usually something sweet, and a bit vulnerable: a longing to be heard, to be cared for, to feel close again. When we can slow down and name that deeper need (instead of the accusation) something shifts.
How to speak your mind without expressing blame
Next time you’re in a heated moment, you could experiment with pausing and trying to figure out what need is most alive for you. Maybe it’s reassurance. Maybe it’s closeness. Maybe it’s simply to know that you matter.
When you share that (say to the other person ‘I’m really longing for reassurance right now,’ or ‘I just want to feel safe’) you invite the other person into your world, rather than pushing them away.
It does takes practice, and it can feel clunky and messy as we try to get the hang of it. And even with practice we can still get tangled. and make a very human mess of the whole thing! But even small steps in this direction can open space for connection rather than conflict.
If you’d like to explore more ways of communicating with honesty and care, you’re welcome to join our mailing list. We share gentle practices and reflections that can help you bring more understanding (and less fighting) into your relationships.
And perhaps you’d like to come along to one of our workshops one day.