5 things that could be harming your relationships

Sometimes we do things with the expectation that they’ll bring connection and strengthen our relationships, without realising that they’re doing more harm than good. Here’s a list of five counter-intuitive things that I often did without realising they were harming my relationships:

1) Agreeing to do what they want to make them happy

When we put our own needs aside to focus on what we perceive they want, we miss opportunities for authenticity. We hide part of ourselves or deny our true longings.

Over time this can lead to resentment, or loneliness. We come to believe they don’t really know us or understand what’s important to us.

When we value both sets of needs equally, we can make decisions together based on mutuality & collaboration.

I sometimes think of this as a gendered thing: many of us women were subtly conditioned, growing up, to value putting others before ourselves. . .although of course this type of behaviour can show up across all genders, and I don’t want to reinforce any stereotypes here!

2) Explaining myself when I think I’ve been misunderstood

I thought explaining would prevent conflict getting worse - if they understood what was intended, they wouldn’t be upset anymore. Right?

But they were trying to convey something important to them. I wasn’t picking up on that. . .and they didn’t feel heard.

Instead, we can slow down and listen for what’s going on under the surface - and trust that once they feel heard, we’ll have a chance to express.

3) Trying to cheer them up or make things better when they’re upset

It comes from care - but we can unintentionally send the message that their feelings aren’t welcome.

It can be uncomfortable to sit with someone who’s suffering without trying to fix things.

But often what supports people most is our presence and acceptance of how they are.

4) Minimising something that’s bothering me to avoid drama

When we keep ignoring the small things, sooner or later they build up into big things!

It might seem like it’s not worth the fuss…but if we don’t let them know what’s going on inside, we miss the chance for growth and intimacy - and risk drifting further apart. Often what we're really avoiding is vulnerability.

When we express what’s true for us it gives the relationship a chance to deepen.

5) Saying sorry instead of acknowledging the impact

We try to avoid feeling guilty, or try to smooth things over so we can move on quickly.

But a quick apology can seem like putting a plaster on a gaping wound - especially if they don’t trust it'll be different in future.

Taking time to listen and understand how something affects them builds trust and shows we care.

Which of these do you do?

For many of us, these habits are deeply engrained. Even when we begin to realise, theoretically at least, that they’re getting in the way of connection, it can take a lot of effort and practice to change our behaviour.

For now, maybe pick one of these, and have a go at trying something different. I’d be curious to know how you get on!

And if you want to learn more from us, consider coming along to one of our workshops.