5 things that could be harming your relationships

Sometimes we do things with the expectation that they’ll bring connection and strengthen our relationships, without realising that they’re doing more harm than good. Here’s a list of five things that I used to do regularly, without even realising the counter-intuitive ways that they were harming my relationships:

1) Agreeing to do what they want to make them happy

When we put our own needs aside to focus on what we perceive other people want, we miss so many opportunities for authenticity. We end up hiding part of ourselves, and the other person doesn’t get the chance to see us as we really are.

And we deny our true longings, putting up with less than what we really want, and often not even communicating what that is. Over time this can lead to resentment, or loneliness. We come to believe that the other person doesn’t really know us or understand what’s important to us.

When we value both sets of needs equally, however, we can make decisions together based on mutuality & collaboration.

I sometimes think of this as a gendered thing: many of us women were subtly conditioned, growing up, to value putting others before ourselves. . .although of course this type of behaviour can show up across all genders, and I don’t want to reinforce any stereotypes here!

It took me a long time to notice how often I’d do this - and to try to turn it around. I remember so many incidences when I gave up on myself. It was actually the small everyday moments that I found harder to catch than the bigger things. For example, Sunday afternoon would come around, and I’d be really clear with myself that I wanted time at home to rest, potter around the house, and do nothing in particular. I knew I had a busy week coming up, and taking this quiet time at home felt so important for my self-care. Then my partner would suggest going out…and almost without taking a breath I’d find myself agreeing to go somewhere with him, telling myself that I’d be ok, my need for rest didn’t really matter that much…

2) Explaining myself when I think I’ve been misunderstood

This one seemed so counter-intuitive to me that it took a long time to grasp. I thought explaining would prevent conflict getting worse - if they understood what was intended, they wouldn’t be upset anymore. Right?

What I didn’t realise was that I was shifting all the focus over to me, wanting to be understood for what I did and why. And I completely missed the point of what was going on for the other person. They were trying to convey something important to them. I wasn’t picking up on that. . .and they didn’t feel heard, or cared about.

Instead, we can slow down and listen for what’s going on under the surface - and trust that once the other person feels heard, we’ll have a chance to express.

I still feel the urge at times to get defensive, and to set the record straight. ‘That wasn’t what I meant…’ I’ve learned that a part of me gets really uncomfortable when it believe someone’s judging me, and I so want them to see me for my true motivations. But I’ve also learned that it can be really worthwhile to hold back until I’ve really listened to what they have to say.

3) Trying to cheer them up or make things better when they’re upset

This usually comes from care - but we can unintentionally send the message that the other person’s feelings aren’t welcome.

It can be uncomfortable to sit with someone who’s suffering without trying to fix things.

But often what supports people most is our presence and acceptance of how they are.

For me this has taken a lot of work on myself, and managing my own discomfort, to be able to change my behaviour.

And I’ve noticed something that I’ve also seen comes up for others too: sometimes the person in the cheering-up role is actually suffering more than the person who’s supposed to be in pain.

It can actually feel good to get in touch with our emotions. I know I love a good cry, and the sense of release that comes with it. But being present with my partner when he’s feeling disappointed can feel excruciating for me - especially when I’m thinking I’m responsible in some way for whatever he’s upset about.

And I also know that when I’ve been in the other role, just wanting space to be with my emotions, and the other person wants me to get over it quickly, that it can feel very lonely, and in those times I so want validation for how I’m feeling.

4) Minimising something that’s bothering me to avoid drama

It might seem like it’s not worth making a fuss…or even that it’s scary to let on that we’re bothered by something. But when we keep ignoring the small things, sooner or later they build up into big things.

If we don’t let others know what’s going on inside, we miss the chance for growth and intimacy, and risk drifting further apart. It’s tragic how often this happens to couples over time. They stop communicating, and small gaps in understanding get wider and wider until it seems they don’t really know each other anymore.

Often when we tell ourselves (or each other) that something isn’t a big deal (when that isn’t really true!) what we're really avoiding is vulnerability. And yes, that can be scary! But when we express what’s true for us it gives the relationship a chance to deepen.

Sadly, for many of us, we’re not even really in touch with ourselves enough to know how we feel. I know I wasn’t.

I grew up without much of a language about emotions. Feelings were never really talked about when I was a kid, and I internalised a belief that strong people just put up with things, and didn’t let on that anything was bothering them. I felt too ashamed to let on that I wasn’t 100 percent ok with anything, and that led to all sorts of issues around setting boundaries, and me staying in situations where it would have been far healthier to leave.

5) Saying sorry instead of acknowledging the impact

Often when we’ve done something we regret we want to smooth things over and put it behind us, then move on as quickly as possible.

All sorts of feelings of guilt and shame can come up. And one of the characteristics of shame is that we’ll often do anything we can to avoid feeling it! Including trying to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible!

It can feel really uncomfortable to sit in that place of acknowledging that something we did affected another person. We didn’t mean to hurt them. Of course we didn’t! Can’t they just accept our apology graciously and let it go?

For the person who feels hurt, a quick apology can seem like putting a plaster on a gaping wound, especially if they don’t trust that anything will be different in future. It can seem that we’re trying to brush aside their feelings as though they don’t really matter, and that all we care about is justifying ourselves.

Taking time to listen and understand how something affects the other person builds trust and shows we care. And it can really support us to repair the connection if we can stay with our discomfort for long enough for them to really feel heard for how big a deal this was for them.

Which of these do you do?

For many of us, these habits are deeply engrained. Even when we begin to realise, theoretically at least, that they’re getting in the way of connection, it can take a lot of effort and practice to change our behaviour.

For now, maybe pick one of these, and have a go at trying something different. I’d be curious to know how you get on!

And if you want to learn more from us, consider coming along to one of our workshops.