Some thoughts about listening…
If you're anything like me, you really value connection. When there's a sense that we really get each other. What we're talking about feels real and authentic and meaningful.
But how do we get there? How do we deepen the quality of our conversations and connections?
I've found that one of the things which makes the most difference is not how we talk, or even what we talk about, but how we listen.
Often when other people are talking we're busy rehearsing what we're going to say next. As soon as there's a pause in the conversation, we break in with our point of view. Sometimes we change the subject: we start talking about ourselves, or go off on a tangent based on something we were reminded of when they were talking.
We move from topic to topic, and the tragic thing is that no one really feels heard or understood. The conversation has moved on before we've fully expressed what we were trying to convey. It's like everyone else is only half interested in what we have to say!
Fortunately, we can learn to slow all this down, and start paying attention to what really matters to each other. We can become more aware of who's speaking and who's listening at any given time, and we can practice giving the speaker more space to express themselves fully. And the bonus is: this gives us a much greater chance of being heard ourselves! When people feel understood, they're much more open and relaxed, and much more willing to engage with other viewpoints.
Here’s a bit of detail about my experiences of deep listening:
Growing up, I had friends, but I often felt disconnected and alone. I had conversations, but they often felt like small talk. I didn’t know how to share my authentic self.
Then at 21, I had my first experience of a sharing circle: each person spoke, uninterrupted, about anything on their mind. Then passed on to the next person, around the circle, till everyone had spoken.
I immediately noticed the difference. With a group of strangers, I felt more connected than I ever had with friends or family.
Each person spoke from the heart, with everyone focused on whoever was speaking. I noticed I was genuinely curious about what each person was saying. And when it was my turn, I felt understood for what was important to me. I wanted more of this type of connection in my life!
I sought out more, and one thing I noticed over time was the quality of listening really made a difference. Sometimes I’d catch myself busy in my mind, preparing for my turn, only half paying attention.
Then I realised how often we do that. Thinking about ourselves, we don’t pick up what they really care about. We interrupt or change the direction of the conversation, and miss the opportunity to connect.
I started practising, trying to stay present with what people were saying.
And over time, I’ve noticed these skills really make a difference to my relationships. They’ve helped me connect more deeply and authentically. And they’ve helped me to manage conflict in much healthier ways.
When we feel understood, our bodies relax. We let go of defensiveness and resistance, become much more willing to consider other viewpoints.
When I listen to others first, there’s a much higher chance they’ll be able to hear what’s important to me.
This quality of listening is the essence of empathy as we teach it in our NVC workshops. We practise exercises to hone these skills. And we also learn to listen out for what people really care about, and make sure we’ve picked up on what matters most.
We've a few in-person workshops coming up here in Ireland over the next few months. We'll be delving into this in a bit more depth, as well as introducing other tools that help us deepen and nourish our relationships.
These workshops are always nourishing, connecting spaces, where we get to experience this for ourselves. At the same time, we'll be practicing skills that we can take back into our lives to help us create and maintain deeper, more authentic relationships.
If this sounds interesting, consider coming along to one of our workshops.